12 Weeks Pregnant!

Baby’s size: Plum – around 2.1 inches and .49 oz

Mama’s weight: 125 (total weight gain – 2lbs.)

Bumpwatch: Not much change from last week. I can tell my uterus is a little higher above the pelvic bone now.

Symptoms: Vivid dreams, acne, thirst, tired, no appetite, food aversion to most things, frequent urination (waking 2-3 times each night).

Appointments: Next midwives appointment is January 25.

Looking forward to: 2 more weeks until I’m officially in my second trimester and scheduling our anatomy scan at my next appt – I’m ready to know when we’ll know if baby is a boy or a girl!

Fun purchases: We bought a lot of books for baby at Goodwill’s 1/2 off Saturday! I’m getting really excited to get to ready children’s books again!

Watch my 11 & 12 week update here: https://youtu.be/NfT3BbLv9-A

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10 Weeks Pregnant!

Baby’s size: Prune – Around 1.2 inches and .14 oz.

Mama’s weight: 123 (no change yet)

Bumpwatch: Just some bloat of the evening that can be mistaken for the beginning of a bump (which I like).

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Symptoms: Vivid dreams, thirst, tired, tender breasts, no appetite, food aversion to most things, frequent urination (waking 2-3 times each night).

Appointments: First midwife appointment was last week, just the basic first visit. Next appointment is Monday.

Looking forward to: Christmas and New Year’s!

Fun purchases: We bought a doppler last night to be able to monitor the baby’s heartbeat whenever we’d like.

Watch this week’s update: https://youtu.be/MCMzUYItkwA

Nighttime Skincare Routine

I have finally found a nighttime skincare routine that is working for me! I’ve been trying to make the switch to more natural products and am trying new things. The video below walks you through my routine:

The products mentioned are:

Blum Naturals Face Wipes

Burt’s Bees Brightening Daily Cleanser

Clarisonic Mia 1

Dessert Essence Blemish Stick

GloNaturals Vitamin C Renewal Cream

Dessert Essence Sweet Almond Hand and Body Lotion

Reviva Labs Eye Gelee Concentrate

The last four products can be found on Vitacost.com (referral link).

Never Wear Mascara to the Fertility Center

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“Never wear mascara to the fertility center” that’s what my husband says.  After my cervix had to be dilated so my HSG could be performed and I looked like a raccoon from the smeared mascara, my husband set this silly rule in place.

Today was a great day to follow that rule.  Today, at the fertility center, I cried.

I cried when the nurse told me that although we tried Femara this round instead of Clomid my uterine lining was thinner than ever.

I cried when I asked just how thin it was and she said 4.6.

I cried when she told me my plan was to take my Ovidrel shot tomorrow morning and come in Wednesday afternoon for an IUI (intrauterine insemination aka artificial insemination).

I cried when I told her that I got a positive OPK and EWCM this morning and I was afraid that by Wednesday I will have ovulated already.

I cried when she came back from consulting the RE again and told me that the new plan was to do the Ovidrel shot today and IUI tomorrow.

I cried because although my lining was that thin, the RE was still suggesting an IUI.

I cried when I told her I wouldn’t do an IUI with lining that thin, that it was too expensive and too painful.

I cried when she told me she didn’t blame me.

I cried because in a building full of doctors and nurses who specialize in fertility, I’m the only person looking out for what is best for me.

I cried because it is hard for me to stand up for myself, going against what the professionals are saying.

I cried when the nurse handed me information about injectables.

I cried when I told her I was not interested in injectables until more tests were ran.

I cried when she mentioned me going on birth control pills to be able to time a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy correctly, if I wanted them performed before the end of the year.

I cried when I told her I was not interested in taking birth control pills.

I cried all the way home thinking about how hard this all is and wondering what God is doing with me during this time of wait.

I cried because I still don’t know why we haven’t gotten pregnant, I have no diagnosis.

BUT…

Before all that, I cried.

I cried in the small waiting area outside the ultrasound rooms.

I cried when I heard sobs coming out of one of those rooms.

I cried for the lady who was being told that there was no longer a baby where there once had been.

I cried wondering about who will support her besides her husband – do her friends and family know her battle, do they understand?

I cried because I can not begin to imagine her pain, a pain that scares me to my core, a pain I have never experienced but fear I might.

AND I’M STILL CRYING…

I’m crying because there are women who have been battling this for years and years, we’re going on our nineteenth month, will that turn into years and years?

I’m crying for those women and their husbands and their families.

I’m crying thinking about last Christmas when I asked Miguel if he thought we would have a baby this Christmas.  We won’t.

I’m crying because I know God has a great plan for our lives and I want it revealed to me so that I can accept this.

I’m crying because I’m impatient and am wishing away precious days but am trying so hard to not.

I’m crying because I’m scared, sad, lonely and discouraged.

I’m crying because I’m blessed beyond measure and take it for granted each minute of each day.

I’m crying because most days I don’t cry.  Most days I’m happy.  But on the days where the pain takes over the best thing I can do is just…cry.

My Current Favorites

Today I am talking about a few of my favorite things!

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My GoKnots brush has been a lifesaver for my tangly hair. I got mine at Marshall’s for only $3.99!

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I’ve been making the switch to more natural products.  Above is the body lotion, face scrub, spot treatment and day/night cream I’ve been enjoying.  I purchased all these from Vitacost.com – my favorite online store for all natural and organic food and products.  You can use my referral link here if you’d like.

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Revlon’s Colorstay Gel Base Coat is my favorite base coat for long lasting polish.  My favorite polish for this time of year is Wet N Wild’s Haze of Love – the perfect deep wine/cranberry color.

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I’ve used the Clarisonic Mia for YEARS and can’t be without it!

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I mentioned these shoes in my Fall Favorites video but love them so much I had to mention them again.  You can purchase them from maurices – I don’t see them online anymore but they may still be available in store.

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Last, but not least, is my favorite of them all, In The Wait – A Six Week Study on Waiting.  It has encouraged me and blessed me tremendously so far.  I highly recommend it no matter what area of your life you’re in.

You can watch my video below for more information on all these items!

Still Trying To Conceive | Cycle 15

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Something changed in me this week.  It’s like God’s peace over came me and I found myself wrapped up in His comfort for the first time in a long time.  He’s always there but now it’s different.

I had a very hard time starting this new cycle.  I was angry and bitter and sad and depressed.  I was sad that looking ahead I can’t see a child.  I was angry (and still am, somewhat) that I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG and that the fertility center doesn’t seem to care other than to fill me with fertility medication.

We will, of course, try to conceive this cycle – complete with an IUI this round.  I’M GOING TO BE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED GUYS.  How weird does that sound?  I hate to be a pessimistic or a Debbie Downer, but my heart isn’t in this cycle, I just don’t think it’s going to work.  I don’t think it’s our time yet.

I think God is doing a work in me, in Miguel and in our marriage.  I feel a change that I hope to continue to explore.  A mantra came to me “It will well with my soul because i KNOW God has a great plan for us.”

After this cycle we will take a step back.  We will meet with our RE at the fertility center to see if he will help us find out what is going on.  I’m no longer interested in medicated cycles until I know the source of the cause.  We will most likely get a second opinion, a third if needed.  I want to work with my acupuncturist to get my cycles back.  I want to work on my health and nutrition.  I believe that I can conceive a child on my own.  I really do.  I want to work towards that.

Sometimes people ask me if we’ll adopt if we can’t have children.  My answer is usually that we are not opposed to adoption but it wouldn’t me any time soon.  When I think about adopting I see it years from now.  So, why then, am I in such a hurry to conceive?  Is it because so far I haven’t, I want what I can’t have?  It is because I’m 31?  A little bit of it all I guess.

But mostly, I want to feel a child inside me more than anything and I don’t know if that craving will ever go away.  I want someone who is part Miguel and part me.  What would they look like?  I want a big family – 3 or 4 kids.  Will that even happen – do we have that amount of time?

Studies show that women suffering through infertility can have the same level of depression as someone suffering with a terminal illness.  It can be unbearable and what makes it worse is that WE ARE ALONE – I think that is why.  That is where the depression comes from.  If you haven’t been through issues with fertility it is impossible to understand, people try but they just can’t.  We want to be able to surprise our loved ones with the happy news so we won’t tell them we’re trying and then all of a sudden it’s been a year and a half and you’re going to the fertility center and you have to tell your mom or your sister or your friend that you haven’t told yet and that surprise gets taken from you.  You can’t talk about it without crying, so it’s best to talk about it at all.

It’s all too much.  It’s too much for me to handle on my own and to be honest, although I have prayed more that I ever have and tried to connect, I’ve been doing it on my own.  But I’ve handed it over to the only One who can help, who can take away the fear and anxiety and allow me to breathe for the first time in a long time.

Here’s a update video from last week:

If Marni Could Talk

It’s possible that if you have stopped by my blog, you were sent here from a link on Youtube.  When I first started Youtube my channel name was If Marni Could Talk, an ode to my sweet baby dog, Marni.  After a few months of making videos, I just didn’t think the name was a good suit, so I changed it to Christy At Home because, well, I’m at home a lot!

It is my desire to use this blog as an outlet as opposed to just an afterthought when posting a video.

You may have watched a video about my husband and I trying to conceive our first child.  It’s an ongoing journey and the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.  Here, I hope to be able to put more words in writing to help me not only process my feelings, but preserve them as well.

I also make videos on our clean eating journey, switching to natural products and general healthy lifestyle changes we are figuring out as we go and adjusting to.

You will also find haul videos, what I ate videos, some vlogs – I would like to vlog more, I’m just not good at remembering to – organization tips, tours and the list goes on.  That’s another reason I chose Christy At Home – it’s broad and so are the subjects that I discuss.

I’m looking forward to blogging more and using this space – more words, thoughts and pictures.  Though life is not perfect, it is pretty darn good and I want to always be able to go back and remember these days that are going by way too fast.