Something changed in me this week. It’s like God’s peace over came me and I found myself wrapped up in His comfort for the first time in a long time. He’s always there but now it’s different.
I had a very hard time starting this new cycle. I was angry and bitter and sad and depressed. I was sad that looking ahead I can’t see a child. I was angry (and still am, somewhat) that I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG and that the fertility center doesn’t seem to care other than to fill me with fertility medication.
We will, of course, try to conceive this cycle – complete with an IUI this round. I’M GOING TO BE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED GUYS. How weird does that sound? I hate to be a pessimistic or a Debbie Downer, but my heart isn’t in this cycle, I just don’t think it’s going to work. I don’t think it’s our time yet.
I think God is doing a work in me, in Miguel and in our marriage. I feel a change that I hope to continue to explore. A mantra came to me “It will well with my soul because i KNOW God has a great plan for us.”
After this cycle we will take a step back. We will meet with our RE at the fertility center to see if he will help us find out what is going on. I’m no longer interested in medicated cycles until I know the source of the cause. We will most likely get a second opinion, a third if needed. I want to work with my acupuncturist to get my cycles back. I want to work on my health and nutrition. I believe that I can conceive a child on my own. I really do. I want to work towards that.
Sometimes people ask me if we’ll adopt if we can’t have children. My answer is usually that we are not opposed to adoption but it wouldn’t me any time soon. When I think about adopting I see it years from now. So, why then, am I in such a hurry to conceive? Is it because so far I haven’t, I want what I can’t have? It is because I’m 31? A little bit of it all I guess.
But mostly, I want to feel a child inside me more than anything and I don’t know if that craving will ever go away. I want someone who is part Miguel and part me. What would they look like? I want a big family – 3 or 4 kids. Will that even happen – do we have that amount of time?
Studies show that women suffering through infertility can have the same level of depression as someone suffering with a terminal illness. It can be unbearable and what makes it worse is that WE ARE ALONE – I think that is why. That is where the depression comes from. If you haven’t been through issues with fertility it is impossible to understand, people try but they just can’t. We want to be able to surprise our loved ones with the happy news so we won’t tell them we’re trying and then all of a sudden it’s been a year and a half and you’re going to the fertility center and you have to tell your mom or your sister or your friend that you haven’t told yet and that surprise gets taken from you. You can’t talk about it without crying, so it’s best to talk about it at all.
It’s all too much. It’s too much for me to handle on my own and to be honest, although I have prayed more that I ever have and tried to connect, I’ve been doing it on my own. But I’ve handed it over to the only One who can help, who can take away the fear and anxiety and allow me to breathe for the first time in a long time.
Here’s a update video from last week: