Holy Hormones

My first round of Clomid.  I didn’t have any major side effects while taking it – I felt hungrier (and still do) and more tired than usual but that could be all in my head.  I took it on cycle days 3-7.  I started taking OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) on cycle day 10 and got my smiley face on cycle day 13 (along with some very intense ovulation pain)!!  I’ve hadn’t been that excited in a very long time!  According to my BBT chart and the Fertility Friend app, I ovulated on cycle day 14 (which was August 8, one day before my 31st birthday).

The dreaded two week wait.  Google had already let me know what to expect – that I would have every pregnancy symptom because of the Clomid, but I would probably not be pregnant.  Well, Google was right.  I felt different – I felt weak, hungry, tired, nauseous, my breasts were tender, my left ovary hurt, etc, etc.  I was still hopeful.  I mean, I actually ovulated!  For the first time in 5 months!  There was at least a chance!

It consumed my thoughts.  Not knowing if I was pregnant or not, spotting every symptom and analyzing every single twinge in my body.  I Googled and Googled and then Googled again just to be sure.

My emotions went on one hell of a roller coaster ride (are still are, just not as bad).  I took a HPT (home pregnancy test) on 10 DPO – big fat negative.  This is the day everything just kind of crashed.  I had spent the last nine days consumed, even to the point where I had this sick, gnawing feeling in my stomach that just wouldn’t go away.

Going to bed that night, my body started to feel different.  I guess I had listened to it so much that I could tell something changed.  So I wasn’t surprised when the next morning my temp had dropped – I started my period later that evening.

I’m not sure why all us of going through fertility challenges keep it so secret.  I’m always saying how it should be talked about more, yet I don’t.  I mean, I do on YouTube and this blog, but to very few people in my “real” life.  It’s hard.  I wanted it to be a fun surprise!  “Hey, Mom – I’m pregnant” announced sweetly while recording her reaction.  But now it’s her patiently waiting to see if the Clomid worked, if this was our cycle.

No one knows what to say.  If they’ve never been in your shoes, they have no idea of the pain that comes along with the deep desire to have a child and it not happening for 16 months and counting.

Few know of what we are going through and most who do know, well, don’t really care.  They have no idea what life is like in the walls of our home.  While it is filled with love and laughter, along with it comes tears, pain and anger.  It’s a lonely place to be, as a couple and as a woman.

If you know someone who is trying desperately for a child, don’t forget about them. They are hurting, they are in pain and they are scared.  You may not know what to say and that’s fine.  Don’t try to give advice, just let them know you care and you’re thinking of them.

The plan for next cycle.  I just popped my fourth Clomid pill for this round, my last day will be tomorrow.  I go in Friday for a HSG test.  I go Tuesday, cycle day 13, for an ultrasound to check on my follicle growth, if there are follicles big enough I will get a trigger shot that will help me to go ahead and ovulate.  I’ll go back a week after that for blood work to test my progesterone (per my request – I’m worried because of my short 10 day luteal phase last cycle).

I’m determined to not let this cycle control me like my last.  I have to keep my mind occupied and my emotions in check.  We’ve even planned a trip to New Orleans for Labor Day weekend!  I’m feeling better, but still scared that this cycle will not work.  I try not to think about the what-ifs.  I know in this situation feelings change in seconds, but as of right now I feel like I’ve let go a little bit.  I’m doing all I can.  And that’s all I can do.

You can watch my TTC update video below.

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